“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
We’ve come full circle
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler