It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
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My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.