My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
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Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
my one true gender
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.