sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Is this a threat?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Appendi
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Appendix
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying