My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Well well well…
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails