No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right