It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
A ghost story