I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I only treason on days ending in y
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.