A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back