I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!