A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
the only organized thing in my life is crime
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!