The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.