Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr