LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.