Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Tuesday
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
u guys got any snacks onboard here