I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”