Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments