Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
From Facebook just now…
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog