I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Ok but actually
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee