me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.