I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.