Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
You Might Also Like
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Some people were born into their job.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.