“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Terribly Tuesday.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Why font matters.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.