Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
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therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.