I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored