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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
A game married people play.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card