Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
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I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
🤣
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.