Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I’m not lazy
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Imagine having a party on purpose.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft