You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.