1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
every college guy’s fridge
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant