What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I’ll be mad as hell!
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.