A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you