Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
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really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
they should invent a hydrating liquor
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.