50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
You Might Also Like
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.