bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
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No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.