This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.