me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.