the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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somebody come look at this
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.