“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Ha.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
This bar smells like my childhood.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye