The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.