This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.