Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
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Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.