I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.