[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
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Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you