Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
opening twitter today
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
A new level of troll.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.