38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.