Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The French cow says MEUX…
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”