the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Story of my life…..
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.