Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Woke up with morning Yule Log