If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
oh you like architecture? name three walls
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities